God I'm Lost

I don't know what I want to do with my life.

I now officially sound like every whiney post-grad college student ever. How lame of me. But it's true. I feel like the last 5 years have been about me figuring out what I DON'T want to do with my life. And granted I know that that is just as important as knowing what you do want. But I've never been at a loss for direction before. There has always been an end game. There was always a final grade to get, a graduation date to meet, or an internship to snag. Even after I graduated it turned into a game of "I need ANY job" and I lucked into Borders on the first try. I swear to god, I moved back in with my parents on July 1st and this is what happened.
July 2nd - Decided that I don't want to fold clothes or sell food...decide that Borders is ideal because I LOVE BOOKS.
July 3rd - Go to Borders, see the hiring sign, get the web address - Go home and apply.
July 4th - Damon calls to set up interview.
July 5th - Interview w/ Damon
July 6th - Interview w/ Ken
July 8th - Kellie calls to offer me the job (Damn you making me wait an extra day!)
July 9th - I orientate.

Then it turned into a game of "I need an entertainment job". I got one...then another one. And I've realized that I really don't like working at an agency. I don't want to be an agent. I'm really only gaining work experience at a desk. Granted, this is a great thing and something I need to move forward, but it sucks. I miss being able to take a Tuesday off and go to Disneyland. I miss being out in the sunshine. I miss having a job where I feel like I'm actually accomplishing tasks instead of attempting to look busy. The problem with my new boss lies in the fact that I will gather information and organize and present her with a to do list of sorts, and she won't do anything. So then that stalls my productivity because I can't doing anything new until the project moves forward and the project can't move forward until she does something. So for instance, I spent yesterday researching new projects and printing out reports and when I showed it to her she said "I'm too overwhelmed, just keep that until I'm ready". So I bet it sits on my desk until the next staff meeting when she wonders why we haven't moved forward on anything. So since I did all of my work yesterday, I sit here today with nothing to do. So I blog. I was talking to Brittany last night (who I think things are quite cordial with, so that's good) about how she's giving herself 5 years to make it as an actress before she finds a steady job. And I was saying how that would be amazing to do, but how can you do it and still support yourself? It's great that she has that wiggle room of 6 months of being supported. That would literally make all of the difference.

I don't like talking about the fact that acting is something I would like to pursue because it's embarassing. There's a total stigma attached to it and I feel like it would be a waste of my education. And sometimes I wonder if I want to pursue it just because i hate being stuck in a cubicle all day. It's not the cubicle per se, but the trapped feeling. i feel like i'm just chugging through each day waiting for the next exciting thing to happen. that is just so morbidly depressing to me. i want to be in a profession where i ENJOY going to work every day. where I get up and think "ooh i wonder what today will bring?". i don't like the idea that i go to work and it's a countdown. that just seems like such a waste of my life. is it selfish for me to want to have fun at work? is that not the point of work? Is it foolish for me to want that?

I don't know what I want to do. I know that I have financial constraints on the decisions that I make. I feel like it would be irresponsible and selfish of me to leave a steady job for the unknown when I have so many bills to take care of every month. If I were ever going to make a go of it, the only logical solution would be for me to move in with my parents. And in all honesty...that might make me kill people. I love my family, but I reeeeeeeeally like my independence. I like not having everything I do watched and questioned (not that they do it obsessively, but any parent is going to do these things to a certain extent) and I like being able to have my bf spend the night without it being weird. But even if it were just a month of living with my parents and making my current money...that would be such a help to my savings. The problem with that would be that I would lose my current roommates and have to find comopletely new ones. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's nice living with people that you have a history with. I also have nowhere to store my furniture if I do that. So I'd probably have to rent out a storage unit for everything...which would be a pain in the ass. But these are all things that might never come to fruition.

And so we have arrived back at the beginning. I don't know what to do with my life. I think starting classes was a step in the right direction. We'll see how they continue. There's 6 more weeks and at some point this week we're supposed to get an email update about our "progress". So we'll see. Anyhoodles. I always feel a little better when I write it out. I've blathered on and now I'll leave you. I still have 3.5 hours here and no idea how to waste it. This took up a good 45 minutes though. So that's cool.